Tuesday, February 8, 2011

My Apologies for Barfing on You


Before I even start this blog, I am going to apologize for "barfing" on you.  That is my term for "spilling my guts."  I have talked in a few past blogs about being real.  Well here it is...

Little Man woke up from his nap on Friday and has been a terror since.  Understand that he is always a terror but he has ramped it up five fold.  It started with him having two accidents and has gone down hill since.  Everything that he knows is a "no" has become a "yes" in his world.  Suddenly my computer mouse is part of his hand.  The piano has become a toddler toy and his body is an easel for his drawings (still puzzled over where he got the marker).  Like I said, these are all thoughts in his world.  All of these things are still wrong and discipline has followed.  He is keeping his little timeout chair warm!  But, staying consistent is rough right now.  I just wonder at what point will he decide that the consequences aren't worth the five seconds of "pleasure."  If you have a spirited little one you can totally relate.

Emotionally, I am really struggling.  Almost 11 years after my sister's death and I feel like it was a month ago.  I am facing fear and grief in ways that I haven't done for two and a half years when I co-lead a grief group.  Within this, I am struggling to figure out why, what God is trying to teach me, or what God is trying to prepare me for.  I am dealing with fears of forgetting those memories.  The legacy.  I praise God that my husband is holding me up through this.  When my sister died, we had been married less than two years.  It was a struggle because he didn't get it.  But as we have grown together in my grief process, he has learned to pick me back up and take the next step when I feel too empty and weak to move. 

Spiritually, I am being hit.  As I am working through Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruit Of The Spirit, God is teaching me so much about Himself, His Son, and the Holy Spirit.  I truly was clueless about the roll that the Holy Spirit wants to play in my life.  How active and a part of my daily in's and out's that He wants to be and can be.  The Holy Spirit is really laying some things heavy on my heart.  I will be blogging more about this as I continue this journey. 

I don't know what has brought about all of this.  Why now is Little Man testing the waters so strongly...again.  Why now does it hurt to breath?  Maybe God needs me at a tender place to teach me about His love and grace?   I'm not sure.  Whatever it is, I ask God to use my story, my pain, my hurt to bless you.  Encourage you.  He's not finished with me yet.  Nor you either.



4 comments :

  1. I know that just typing all of this out had to be somewhat hard. I know that God has a plan for you and he has a plan for the people you touch everyday! I hope you know that we are all here for you for this journey. In the end you will be better then you were when you entered this journey. Anywho, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.....ever. Take deep breaths and just listen to Him. Thank you for being real! It is refreshing to know that I am not the only one that faces some of these challenges.

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  2. Tonia..Thank you for taking time out of your day to encourage me. Bless you for it!

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  3. You are right! God is not finished with us yet. I too have a spirited little guy who tests me ALL. DAY. LONG. EVERY. DAY!
    You have a newborn too, right? Remember that fatigue can drain us so much that we have little energy to even deal with emotions, let alone the physical demands on us mommies.
    I am praying that you remember to take of yourself. Take bubble baths. Paint your toenails. Take a stroll outside and soak in the splendor of His creations. These are the things that have helped me in my own emotional struggles lately. :)

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  4. Thank you for being so honest and heartfelt. It had to be hard for you to put all that out there. Know that God will be with you all the way. I know it's hard to think that when you're being tested from all angles. But just take a moment to pause, take a deep breath, and ask God to cover you. And He will.

    Hugs!

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The Our Out-of-Sync Life blog focuses on encouraging women to deepen their spiritual life, simplify daily tasks, and impress Jesus on the children around them.